Am I Enough?

Looking back through various points in my life I see a repeating pattern. In the middle of marriage troubles (yes, we have those too) I heard God asking "Am I enough?"
My heart would answer, "Yes, but I still have Abe so everything will be alright."
 When my children were sick or hurt I again would hear Him ask "Am I enough?"
 "Yes, but  I have Drs and technology and money... so everything will be alright."
Through  three particularly painful miscarriages I heard Him... "Am I enough?"
 "Yes, but I still have my four babes so everything will be alright."
Upon hearing my life would be completely changed and my future was dwelling in a third world country, He pressed "Am I enough?"
 "Yes, but we still have good work and a place to live so... everything will be alright."
As my health took a turn and I found myself stuck in a foreign hospital fighting to stay alive He whispered, "Am I not enough, now?"
 "Yes, but this will soon be over. We have travel options and money and a good job so everything will soon be alright."
Recovering a country away from my little ones and feeling the emptiness of not having them near God asked "Am I enough?"
"Yes, but in just two more days I will be back in Haiti and life will continue as it should, safe and snug and everything will be alright."
I awoke from surgery in the recovery room. Everything still foggy. It all had gone very well. I was so close to having my life back. Waiting for me, just a plane ride away, were my babes. My house. A good job my husband enjoyed. My car. A growing Christian family around me. Purpose.
And then Abe said five little words that sent everything crashing around me.

"My contract was just terminated."

No valid reason. No complaints. No explanation. Just terminated.

I do not have to tell you the conflicting emotions and swirl of preparations that overfilled the next ten hours. Plane tickets were purchased, a tentative plan was hatched. I was sent alone to Missouri to recover with friends while Abe set off for Haiti for what would be a still continuing struggle to get himself and my babes back out of the country. The house was taken back. The car priveledges were gone. The "good" job denied. The only possessions we have, summer clothes and schoolbooks are packed into suitcases, waiting as Abe fights for tickets back to the states. There is no job. No promise of a worldly future. No car. All of our savings were spent on medical bills last week.

Last night as I laid in a borrowed bed, tears streaming, alone and cold... once again I heard Him.
 "My dear child. Am I enough?"
No. As long as the flesh battles my heart for standing ground, You are not enough. The constant conflict for what I want and what I need is ever before me. Until the day I die and You graciously call me home to You, I will never understand why admitting that You alone are ALL I need is so impossible for my earthly mouth. My soul cries, "Yes! Abba, YOU are all I need. You are enough." But my sinful self pitifully lies, "Yes, but..."
I can no longer find an ending. Without You there will be no "everything will be alright." Help me to always remember, as I know as soon as my family is here around me again, I will forget so easily...that You are enough. You are All. You Are.