Looking back through various points in my life I see a repeating pattern. In the middle of marriage troubles (yes, we have those too) I heard God asking "Am I enough?"
My heart would answer, "Yes, but I still have Abe so everything will be alright."
When my children were sick or hurt I again would hear Him ask "Am I enough?"
"Yes, but I have Drs and technology and money... so everything will be alright."
Through three particularly painful miscarriages I heard Him... "Am I enough?"
"Yes, but I still have my four babes so everything will be alright."
Upon hearing my life would be completely changed and my future was dwelling in a third world country, He pressed "Am I enough?"
"Yes, but we still have good work and a place to live so... everything will be alright."
As my health took a turn and I found myself stuck in a foreign hospital fighting to stay alive He whispered, "Am I not enough, now?"
"Yes, but this will soon be over. We have travel options and money and a good job so everything will soon be alright."
Recovering a country away from my little ones and feeling the emptiness of not having them near God asked "Am I enough?"
"Yes, but in just two more days I will be back in Haiti and life will continue as it should, safe and snug and everything will be alright."
I awoke from surgery in the recovery room. Everything still foggy. It all had gone very well. I was so close to having my life back. Waiting for me, just a plane ride away, were my babes. My house. A good job my husband enjoyed. My car. A growing Christian family around me. Purpose.
And then Abe said five little words that sent everything crashing around me.
"My contract was just terminated."
No valid reason. No complaints. No explanation. Just terminated.
I do not have to tell you the conflicting emotions and swirl of preparations that overfilled the next ten hours. Plane tickets were purchased, a tentative plan was hatched. I was sent alone to Missouri to recover with friends while Abe set off for Haiti for what would be a still continuing struggle to get himself and my babes back out of the country. The house was taken back. The car priveledges were gone. The "good" job denied. The only possessions we have, summer clothes and schoolbooks are packed into suitcases, waiting as Abe fights for tickets back to the states. There is no job. No promise of a worldly future. No car. All of our savings were spent on medical bills last week.
Last night as I laid in a borrowed bed, tears streaming, alone and cold... once again I heard Him.
"My dear child. Am I enough?"
No. As long as the flesh battles my heart for standing ground, You are not enough. The constant conflict for what I want and what I need is ever before me. Until the day I die and You graciously call me home to You, I will never understand why admitting that You alone are ALL I need is so impossible for my earthly mouth. My soul cries, "Yes! Abba, YOU are all I need. You are enough." But my sinful self pitifully lies, "Yes, but..."
I can no longer find an ending. Without You there will be no "everything will be alright." Help me to always remember, as I know as soon as my family is here around me again, I will forget so easily...that You are enough. You are All. You Are.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Aint No HIPPA in Haiti
Hello, my dear friends. I have been off of this for so long-it is almost unacceptable. But let me tell you a little of what the last 19 days have been filled with...
Apparently there are several diseases that are endemic in Haiti. It makes sense as everything takes so long to happen in Haiti that ridding the land of nastiness like prominent developed nations have done should take several decades longer...
Typhoid is one such disease that you do not really hear about in the States, but is of high occurrence in Haiti. I have no idea where I could have come into contact with Salmonella typhi. It's not like we walk on sewer sprinkled streets, or buy water by the rusty truck full for our household use, or come into contact with food that could (and probably do) have a long history of touching many not so clean hands... Let me just say that I am eternally grateful that I was the one to become so greatly acquainted with Typhoid and not one of my dear, sweet babes.
After suffering on and off with what I thought was, at first, a flare up of my auto-immune disease, then a nasty flu...I finally succumbed to reason and allowed Abe to drag my fever spent body to the hospital. I spent four days in a Haitian hospital where my blood pressure was taken once, sort of. The needles used by nurses to fill my body with Typhoid fighting antibiotics were left lying around or stuck into my IV fluid bag. Abe fought off various insects for the food brought to me. Which I couldn't eat anyways. Apparently Typhoid chases away any appetite one once had. Nine total days with only IV fluid...I have lost 20 pounds. :-)
Typhoid was a formidable foe to say the least, but he called in a Calvary of gallstones to his aid. One such stone lodged quite painfully in a bile duct and left me even more jaundice, pained, and vomitous. Did you know the term for ripping a gallbladder from one's body is a Cholecystectomy? I didn't until we gathered from a Creole speaking Dr that I needed-that.
Once the battle against Typhoid could be managed with oral antibiotics instead of IV ones, we paid our bills (in full so the shot gun wearing guard would let us out of the hospital), I removed the most painful IV I have EVER experienced from my puffy swollen hand, (apparently the nurses don't do that either. I am lucky they didn't make ME put the IV in. I suppose I could have...might have hurt less) and we hobbled to pack up our things and fly to Miami.
Let me take a sad moment to interject that my sweet babes were NOT allowed to see me at all in the Haitian hospital. My dear American friends kept them safe and loved at their home, then didn't visibly blink an eye when they offered to keep my babes for another week while we headed to Miami for surgery and a real medicinal retort to Typhoid. I was able to hold them for a couple of hours before our rushed flight to Miami and as of now have not even heard their sweet voices in a week.
After a rather painful flight we arrived in Miami and have spent the last 6 days in Dr offices and Mercy hospital going through test after test after test.
My surgery is today.
At one pm.
There are, obviously, a lot more details and funny moments as well as tears and frustrations intertwined in this story, but as the time approaches for my first surgery EVER I suppose there are a few things I should do. Like shower. Plan my recovery. Mentally prepare for my flight tomorrow. And keep the excitement for finally seeing my babes tucked safely away. Wouldn't want anything to jinx a seamless surgery and recovery. ;-)
More stories and details to come...AFTER I am not doped up. Have a wonderful day and know that through it all, many miracles and blessings have been poured upon me. I am humbled at how everything consistently continues to scrape through and work out.
Apparently there are several diseases that are endemic in Haiti. It makes sense as everything takes so long to happen in Haiti that ridding the land of nastiness like prominent developed nations have done should take several decades longer...
Typhoid is one such disease that you do not really hear about in the States, but is of high occurrence in Haiti. I have no idea where I could have come into contact with Salmonella typhi. It's not like we walk on sewer sprinkled streets, or buy water by the rusty truck full for our household use, or come into contact with food that could (and probably do) have a long history of touching many not so clean hands... Let me just say that I am eternally grateful that I was the one to become so greatly acquainted with Typhoid and not one of my dear, sweet babes.
After suffering on and off with what I thought was, at first, a flare up of my auto-immune disease, then a nasty flu...I finally succumbed to reason and allowed Abe to drag my fever spent body to the hospital. I spent four days in a Haitian hospital where my blood pressure was taken once, sort of. The needles used by nurses to fill my body with Typhoid fighting antibiotics were left lying around or stuck into my IV fluid bag. Abe fought off various insects for the food brought to me. Which I couldn't eat anyways. Apparently Typhoid chases away any appetite one once had. Nine total days with only IV fluid...I have lost 20 pounds. :-)
Typhoid was a formidable foe to say the least, but he called in a Calvary of gallstones to his aid. One such stone lodged quite painfully in a bile duct and left me even more jaundice, pained, and vomitous. Did you know the term for ripping a gallbladder from one's body is a Cholecystectomy? I didn't until we gathered from a Creole speaking Dr that I needed-that.
Once the battle against Typhoid could be managed with oral antibiotics instead of IV ones, we paid our bills (in full so the shot gun wearing guard would let us out of the hospital), I removed the most painful IV I have EVER experienced from my puffy swollen hand, (apparently the nurses don't do that either. I am lucky they didn't make ME put the IV in. I suppose I could have...might have hurt less) and we hobbled to pack up our things and fly to Miami.
Let me take a sad moment to interject that my sweet babes were NOT allowed to see me at all in the Haitian hospital. My dear American friends kept them safe and loved at their home, then didn't visibly blink an eye when they offered to keep my babes for another week while we headed to Miami for surgery and a real medicinal retort to Typhoid. I was able to hold them for a couple of hours before our rushed flight to Miami and as of now have not even heard their sweet voices in a week.
After a rather painful flight we arrived in Miami and have spent the last 6 days in Dr offices and Mercy hospital going through test after test after test.
My surgery is today.
At one pm.
There are, obviously, a lot more details and funny moments as well as tears and frustrations intertwined in this story, but as the time approaches for my first surgery EVER I suppose there are a few things I should do. Like shower. Plan my recovery. Mentally prepare for my flight tomorrow. And keep the excitement for finally seeing my babes tucked safely away. Wouldn't want anything to jinx a seamless surgery and recovery. ;-)
More stories and details to come...AFTER I am not doped up. Have a wonderful day and know that through it all, many miracles and blessings have been poured upon me. I am humbled at how everything consistently continues to scrape through and work out.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Scrambled Thoughts and Rambles
So, I am in the throes of trying to figure out how to get a permis de sejour. It is required if you stay longer than three months in Haiti. I am a little behind. :-p The cost is daunting-even more so when Abe called to inform me that today he had a boot placed on the car. The officer cited him for "parking too close to the corner"...SonSon was livid, saying it was more of a "white man entered bank" fee.
The "Village" we live in has another guard. It was sad to see the last one go as the kids and I were quite fond of him, and he was very fond of sharing dinner with us. :-) But apparently there was some breech of trust between him and the lady who is in charge of our place. The new guard is very young, but so far has been on top of everything and can play a wicked game of football with the babes!
Security here has been risen, which IS a good thing. Just rather annoying. Every one who enters the gate that does not reside here has to sign in a book and take a numbered visitor's badge. The lady in charge (also the neighbor whom I have to try very hard to remain sweet to) has decided that because I "never leave the village" I am the logical person to be in charge of the book. I can see the mayhem now. sigh. Perhaps this will force some better Creole into me.
On the up side, we are soon going to get our own well so we will not have to pay for water to be hauled in AND the abundance of tadpoles in my wash water should diminish greatly! Razor wire will soon be twirled up on top of the concrete fence that surrounds us and flowers are soon to be planted into our empty beds. The four remaining empty houses are soon to receive their new owners. We were told the other day that we moved in before the place was "fully functional". I asked if that meant there would be constant electricity and a cease fire in the fight for water. I was laughed at. Hey, a girl can dream can't she?
I was able to find a way to receive packages from the states without using the postal service here. Which is a phantom, by the way. I am nearly certain it does not exist. I am crossing my fingers as I wait to receive our first box from our home church in Moab.
Oh dear. My sweet daughter and adorable baby are breaking rule number 3. Don't play in the rock pile. Such a terrible rule, I know. Carol's shirt is currently filled with gravel and dust. Isaiah looks like a ghost. It IS rather cute, but rules are rules. I suppose I shall have to punish them with a bucket bath and a few tickles. Better get on it while the sun still shines...
Bath successful. You can only haul that bucket so far and bringing all that mud and dust into my house sounded absurd so...they got a Haitian bath. Outside in a bucket. :-D There were a few too many giggles for it to be a punishment but I made sure the neighbors heard me sternly admonish their romp in the pile first.
Yesterday while I was driving to the bank and market the front left tire on our old Honda CRV completely turned independently to the left and then proceeded to bend towards the ground. It was right in front of a sweet toothless lady's "shoe store". I felt bad that we were blocking the view of her wares from passerbys, but she was sweet enough to hand Abe a burlap sack to sit upon while we waiting for the company mechanic to arrive. I wished I could have bought some shoes from her, but as we had not gotten to the bank yet I had to be content leaving her with a small coin. I REALLY wish I had been able to buy some as the flip flop I was wearing broke later in the day. :-p
We were rescued from the heat and stares by a sweet American friend who has been there, done that. We have been so blessed to find a church to worship in and new friends.
Sigh. Babes are requesting dinner and the floors are whining about the dirt they have acquired today. It is time to start the generator too. The neighbors here can not, or will not exert the energy to start it. I made a Haitian driver laugh the other day when he learned I started my own generator, hauled my own water, hot wired my own car (the starter doesn't work :-P) and drove all over Port Au Prince. White American Women may be impatient, but we get stuff done. ;-)
Have a wonderful night. More later!
The "Village" we live in has another guard. It was sad to see the last one go as the kids and I were quite fond of him, and he was very fond of sharing dinner with us. :-) But apparently there was some breech of trust between him and the lady who is in charge of our place. The new guard is very young, but so far has been on top of everything and can play a wicked game of football with the babes!
Security here has been risen, which IS a good thing. Just rather annoying. Every one who enters the gate that does not reside here has to sign in a book and take a numbered visitor's badge. The lady in charge (also the neighbor whom I have to try very hard to remain sweet to) has decided that because I "never leave the village" I am the logical person to be in charge of the book. I can see the mayhem now. sigh. Perhaps this will force some better Creole into me.
On the up side, we are soon going to get our own well so we will not have to pay for water to be hauled in AND the abundance of tadpoles in my wash water should diminish greatly! Razor wire will soon be twirled up on top of the concrete fence that surrounds us and flowers are soon to be planted into our empty beds. The four remaining empty houses are soon to receive their new owners. We were told the other day that we moved in before the place was "fully functional". I asked if that meant there would be constant electricity and a cease fire in the fight for water. I was laughed at. Hey, a girl can dream can't she?
I was able to find a way to receive packages from the states without using the postal service here. Which is a phantom, by the way. I am nearly certain it does not exist. I am crossing my fingers as I wait to receive our first box from our home church in Moab.
Oh dear. My sweet daughter and adorable baby are breaking rule number 3. Don't play in the rock pile. Such a terrible rule, I know. Carol's shirt is currently filled with gravel and dust. Isaiah looks like a ghost. It IS rather cute, but rules are rules. I suppose I shall have to punish them with a bucket bath and a few tickles. Better get on it while the sun still shines...
Bath successful. You can only haul that bucket so far and bringing all that mud and dust into my house sounded absurd so...they got a Haitian bath. Outside in a bucket. :-D There were a few too many giggles for it to be a punishment but I made sure the neighbors heard me sternly admonish their romp in the pile first.
Yesterday while I was driving to the bank and market the front left tire on our old Honda CRV completely turned independently to the left and then proceeded to bend towards the ground. It was right in front of a sweet toothless lady's "shoe store". I felt bad that we were blocking the view of her wares from passerbys, but she was sweet enough to hand Abe a burlap sack to sit upon while we waiting for the company mechanic to arrive. I wished I could have bought some shoes from her, but as we had not gotten to the bank yet I had to be content leaving her with a small coin. I REALLY wish I had been able to buy some as the flip flop I was wearing broke later in the day. :-p
We were rescued from the heat and stares by a sweet American friend who has been there, done that. We have been so blessed to find a church to worship in and new friends.
Sigh. Babes are requesting dinner and the floors are whining about the dirt they have acquired today. It is time to start the generator too. The neighbors here can not, or will not exert the energy to start it. I made a Haitian driver laugh the other day when he learned I started my own generator, hauled my own water, hot wired my own car (the starter doesn't work :-P) and drove all over Port Au Prince. White American Women may be impatient, but we get stuff done. ;-)
Have a wonderful night. More later!
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